BREAKING NEWS

MINAS TIRITH — Denethor II, son of Ecthelion II, Steward of Gondor, officially declared a national emergency along the border with Mordor so that he can access billions of castars to build a border wall denied to him by the Council of Gondor.

Steward Denethor seen speaking to his daughter, Ivanka Wormtongue

During a press conference in the rose garden of Minas Tirith, the Steward said, "We’re going to confront the national security crisis on our border. It's an invasion. We have an invasion of criminal orcs coming into our country." But he also seemingly undercut his own claim that there is a national emergency by adding, "I didn’t need to do this, but I’d rather do it faster. I want to get it done faster, that’s all."

The Steward has long advocated for a "big, beautiful wall" along the border with Mordor, but this has been contentious as there are those who say that any limitations on orc migration is inherently racist. In response, Denethor has said that the wall would have a "big, beautiful door" to allow the entry of orcs who come to Gondor legally. He has also said, "I need orcs coming in because we need orcs to run the factories and plants and companies that are moving back in," reiterating, "I want orcs to come into our country, in the largest numbers ever, but they have to come in legally." To this end, he had requested 5.7 billion castars to begin construction, but the Council instead chose to only allocate 1.375 billion while limiting construction to 55 miles of fencing rather than an actual wall. When asked for comment, Denethor said that he was "not happy," but multiple sources within the administration immediately signaled that the legislation would indeed be signed. And so it came to pass.

Orcs working in Chamber of Commerce-sponsored factory

By declaring a national emergency, however, Denethor hopes to draw a further 8 billion castars from elsewhere in the budget to add to that already allocated for fencing. Councilman Schumethor of the Merchants, however, said, “This is plainly a power grab by a disappointed steward, who has gone outside the bounds of the law to try to get what he failed to achieve through the council process." Councilwoman Pelosithor has threatened that a future steward could likewise declare a national emergency so as to disarm Gondorians of their swords, something that the liberals have long sought to do yet have been thwarted by the Constitution of Gondor.

The Steward is also facing severe criticism from some of his own supporters as the Council's bill included a number of so-called "poison pills." For example, the bill makes it so that the Rangers of Ithilien cannot use registration information to detain or deport sponsors, potential sponsors, or household members of orc minors who have illegally crossed the border and have been registered with the government. This is seen as tantamount to granting amnesty to millions of orcs already in Gondor, but it would also apply to any who cross illegally in the future. This exemption though would not apply to orcs who have been convicted of eating man flesh. Additionally, the bill severely limits how many orcs the Rangers can detain for an extended period with the result being a de facto expansion of "catch and release" wherein criminal orcs are released by the thousands into the interior of Gondor.

Orc migrants entering Gondor for a better life

At the current rate, Gondor has been estimated to become "majority orc" within the next few decades, and any hint at amnesty is almost guaranteed to result in millions of orcs pouring across the border in short order. Indeed, polling in Mordor shows that more than 40 million orcs want to move to Gondor, and 5 million already plan to do so within the next year. Two female orcs have already been elected to the Council of Gondor, and things will only get worse as the border not only remains open but orcs are encouraged to cross illegally. Unless things drastically change direction and soon, Gondor as we know it will cease to exist and become a domain of darkness.